This Song Is About You
One day, some time ago, I was working with this guy on a project. He was an elderly man and I was a 'sort of' friend of his son but I liked the man, he was a no nonsense person who didn't give a damn who or what you were as long as you were up front about your self and was a hard worker and he had a whole lot of great stories and I learned a lot while working with him. In the middle of the job he stopped and looked at me and let out a heavy sigh and looked at me and said 'That boy of mine sure turned out to be a disappointment.' And wondered aloud if it was his fault. We talked for a long time and I assured him none of whatever he felt was 'disappointing' had nothing to do with him'.
I've never been big on blaming parents for what happens to us. My mother had a huge influence on me in positive ways and my dad showed me a whole lot of negative aspects of life, but neither of them ever led me to abusing drinking and drugs. In fact there is no singular aspect anywhere that led me on a path of self destruction, that all fell on my shoulders...Believe me, there were a whole lot of places where I could point and say 'There! That was what caused me to drink myself into oblivion every night!' And I had memories (Still do) that I'd just as like to forget but they belong to me, they're mine and they aren't going to change no matter how much I try, no matter how much I imbibe of every drug and drink on the market and I have tried most of 'em.
There are no miracle cures. There is no 'Religious' creed of forgiveness, no dogma that's going to make all your wrongs right and no matter how much you try to hide behind all that shouting and singing and praying or, if your not the religious type, all those hours glued to the television not realizing all those stereotypes they're presenting to the world are all based upon your fat ass are all based on you, none of that is going to change your past.
You have two choices. You can continue to waste your life, let what little you have left walk out on you and leaving you truly alone to wonder why and how it all happened while you continue to discover the wonders of just how much alcohol and drugs can take you even further from real life, or you can do something about helping to change the world. You may never be able to redeem yourself to those who you've harmed, who you've betrayed and lied and caused to cry themselves to sleep on so many countless nights, and you may never be thanked for your attempts to help make this world a better place, but that is what sacrifice is all about. It's not about winning awards or being famous or being adored...
...It's about doing the right thing simply because it's what you should be doing in the first place.
In rehab they gave us a notebook and told us to write down every bad and painful and illegal thing we've ever done and I wrote on the front page: Not in this lifetime. I knew what I'd done, just as I knew it wasn't one certain point which made me pick up that first drink or take that first pill or that first time I tried to take my own life. I made myself an addict and I made myself stop.
Not 'God'. Not AA.
I had friends who helped...A lot. And I will always love them forever.
My dad wrote my sister and I letters before he died. One of the things he wrote to me was about after finding out I was sexually fluid and he told me that while he didn't understand he was sorry he was never more understanding. No 'I'm sorry'. No 'I still love you'. I wouldn't have believed those words anyway. I do believe him trying to understanding. And I do know I never disappointed him. I graduated from college. I was an 'Outstanding Young Man of America'. A published author and artist and had my work hung in prestigious galleries and a whole lot more...I did a lot of things which made him proud.
And I did a lot of things which pissed him off.
Which is my goal for the rest of my life. I plan on being the thorn in the side of bigots and racists everywhere because they've run rampant for far too long, they beat and abuse and kill those who are different and straight white America has let them get away with it for centuries and enough is enough. They've fucked with us for too long and now it's our turn.
America...You've turned out to be a real disappointment.
Let's hope there is a later.