Providence, Fate or just Blind Luck

 What I'm about to write about isn't one of those 'Woe is me' stories. I spent a great deal of my live with a set of flexible morality. I smoked, drank, popped pills, indulged the flesh as if it were an amusement park and am reaping the results.

This last week was centered around the question as to whether or not I wanted to be admitted to Hospice...Yeah, it's heading toward the final stretch and try as I might I can't pretend that I'll see my next birthday. I weight about 135lb, blind in the day light and have about fifteen percent of my lung function. I fall, had a few serious problems that should have been stitched but I had already been told by my specialist how I was going to die.

Not a pretty picture.



I can't begin to explain just how much pain I have on a daily basis or the sheer terror when Oxygen cannot get into my lungs and the sheer panic of losing control.

Can't walk far,can't eat a lot and it's only because of my sister, Beth, my special Christy, and others. Sometimes it hits me about no turning back and sometimes I get nervous, but I'm more curious than afraid. There is no 'God',no 'Jesus', no  prophet Mohammad , there's just hope or 'Faith' which is another word for make believe. 

Only one thing is set in stone...Not going to see my next birthday (Hell, I might not see the new year.

Not. Afraid.

This short note is to let you know I am writing a detailed goodbye for my sister to post when it's all over. There have been many who have saved me from my self, many I have still remember and my love for them continues to be strong as the body waste away. 

I don't know what comes next, nobody, and the churches and other places of 'Religion' will continue to pretend, terrified of whatever happens next. 


 


But I am writing my goodbye and it'll be posted when it's posted. As Douglas Adams wrote in 'Hitchhikers Guide for the Universe': So long and thanks for the fish.

Times moving too fast and I only have a few short hours before it all goes black. 

Love you all.




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