Posts

Providence, Fate or just Blind Luck

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  What I'm about to write about isn't one of those 'Woe is me' stories. I spent a great deal of my live with a set of flexible morality. I smoked, drank, popped pills, indulged the flesh as if it were an amusement park and am reaping the results. This last week was centered around the question as to whether or not I wanted to be admitted to Hospice...Yeah, it's heading toward the final stretch and try as I might I can't pretend that I'll see my next birthday. I weight about 135lb, blind in the day light and have about fifteen percent of my lung function. I fall, had a few serious problems that should have been stitched but I had already been told by my specialist how I was going to die. Not a pretty picture. I can't begin to explain just how much pain I have on a daily basis or the sheer terror when Oxygen cannot get into my lungs and the sheer panic of losing control. Can't walk far,can't eat a lot and it's only because of my sister, Beth, m...

In Between

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  Have you ever noticed biographical books are filled with highs and lows and pretty much centers upon the authors ideas and feelings as though the words they wrote were 'Facts'. The truth is way more complicated because there are huge gaps of time between the highs and lows as though there was nothing happening and that's actually where the truth lies.  Well, one truth anyway. I won't see my next birthday and there's a lot of things which help defined the life that I've had. Yesterday my sister told me she was looking for the life insurance policy she'd taken out a long time back and couldn't find it so she asked Alexa how to go about finding it and was given a site which tells about a person's life. She found the one pertaining to me and paid the price and was more than a bit surprised. It had a record of pretty much everything that one would consider a high or a low, my arrests records, my military record (Which is still considered secret and I...

Devon

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  There are days we have burned into our memories so strong we can feel the warmth of a certain day, the sounds of people walking around and asking questions, the smell of a multitude after shave and perfumes. Every instance freezes and seems as though it has always been, that we knew the words yet to be spoken and the thoughts going through our minds tells us we're all a part of some strange play or movie for the universe. That was the day I met Devon Oxford was like.  Casa Grande has had bookstores come and go, not much of a reading populace to sustain one for long. This moment in time we had a real one with the works, books, magazines and other little items. I'd read about a book called the 'Necronomicon' being published in hardback as well as a limited edition of (Yep) 666 signed and numbered. At that time I only wanted the regular edition and asked the owner to order one for me. From behind a voice say 'Make that two.' I looked at the voice and that's w...

Shadows and Fog

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  The strange thing about age is that we might not be able to tell you what we had for breakfast that day but the images of twenty or more years are still there for better or worse. We can grab those memories, turn them around and twist them about until we can spin a happy little tale but the truth will always be there in your mind. You can't run from it, you can't hide, and you simply can't forget. That was the 80s for me. It was a decade long binge where I tried my damnedest to kill myself with virtually anything that could erase the pain I had inside my soul. I was serious about trying to wipe out my memories and my life and I failed at each and every turn. I was productive artistically, had sold out gallery showings, worked for more than a few magazines and role playing games...Guess I was the stereotype 'Artist' in that way. But the real world?  Really didn't want to be a part of it. Finally I not only hit rock bottom, I had a shovel and dug a great deal fu...

Countdown (Prologue)

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  Ever notice that we tend to have things we need to do and very often don't do them? There are a lot of reasons but the main mental blockage is that we think we'll find the time to do these things somewhere in the future. Problem is we don't know when this 'Present' will end and the future isn't promised to anyone. No one. Zilch. Nada. I have a birthday coming up next month and it's marks the countdown to the time when just getting up in the morning isn't a given. Seventy is just around the corner and I'm at the age when I could simply fall down for no reason and not get back up. Truth is that could have happened anytime in the last ten years but I didn't feel old. Until my sister took my photograph. Lines everywhere and I've lost so much weight so quickly that my skin is just kinda hanging and it really sucks! It's not like a surprise, I was told by my lung doctor exactly how I'll die if I don't get killed in some car accident o...

Deadline

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I've been gone a while but that's because I've been busy, sort of working under a large and looming deadline. Actually, the last deadline. The first time one coughs up blood there's a sense of panic and each person reacts to that panic in different ways. I'd been told by a specialist how I would die, gave me a site with the Mayo Hospital where I could go when the symptoms were pointing the way toward the end. I was prepared for this and kind of shrugged it off. One time could be anything...Logic was never my strong point...But then it continued and it no longer entered into the 'Maybe it's nothing' area and moved into 'How much blood?' Lots. Then it came out during urinating and every place where blood could escape from. Some days are better than others but the flag had been raised and I went to the Mayo site and asked a few questions.  Not reassuring. There were still other signs to look out for. One was when the fingernails started turning blue...

On Being Yourself

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  There's this thing that seems to happen when people get older and it really irritates me. They see their mortality real and near and they try to pretend all they've done their entire lives was a mistake, some turn to religion, some hide in drink, some try to rewrite their own personal history. Over and over it happens, they reject all they've done in order to stave off death, to forget who they were and become what others think they should be. Just in case. They are terrified of dying, of no longer Being, of Hell...Of oblivion...Of the grave.  Basic science tells us that energy cannot be destroyed, merely changed. As walking talking pools of energy we do not vanish, we become something else. Perhaps it's one of those 'Shadows' people see on the myriad of 'Ghost Buster' shows  on every other channel, perhaps they become a part of the Earth, returning to our Mother what we took from Her in life...I don't know and anybody who says they do is lying. It...