Trying To Stay Alive in The Wilderness

2018 was a difficult year to handle...A lot of deaths, more gray in the hair (On the plus side, still have hair) and the eyesight isn't what it use to be. I'm not complaining, well, sort of not complaining. I mean, c'mon, I've been able to live my dream since childhood, seen a few places, won some awards, had my art in galleries and I'm still drawing so no real complaints. More like...Observations.

Every time I became stuck in the 'Wilderness' of art, that place all creative people go when they've hit a barrier and can't seem to fight their way through without the outside aid of drugs and drink and by the time we do, we pretty much don't care. Sober up and try again...It's when we let go of our inner censors, those things our parents and society taught us were real while they fed us on the fantasies of what a perfect family, and children, were like via really bad, ultra conservative television shows. Only when we kick down that last barrier do we get to grow as a creative person and as a human being.

There's a lot of people out there who don't want you to find that freedom, that next step in personal evolution. They want us to stay right where we are and they'll 'Tolerate' our little fetishes and whatnot as long as we aren't seen in a loud kind of way. The powers that be will toss the approved creative individual just enough work to make sure they're busy doing the stuff they want and not to get any ideas of our own. It works pretty well, this whole scam society has going to control the public in every way.

They just didn't count on us living as long as we do these days. 

Or the Internet.

 Art is sort of like sex the first time. Most of us don't really know what we're doing but we know we like it. That's back when it all begins and continues until we stop having sex and would rather watch television or read or something else...That's art. We become comfortable and take it for granted and you get mildly fulfilling creations or you continue to step over the edge, refuse to stick to a single personality and it just keeps getting better. Most creative types have an idea, a purpose, a goal when they pick up a pen or sit in front of their computer or whatever their skills...Maybe they want to change the world or win a really big prize and fortune and fame...Mostly we just want to be understood. 

And that really isn't ever going to happen. I can look over my body of work and while I don't remember the day, month or even year this or that piece came from, I know what was going on around me at the time...I've been on this earth for a very long time, seen incredible turmoil and way too much blood and there have been many times I've felt guilty for sitting at my drafting table and creating two dimensional lives. It seems as though the battle for acceptance and normalcy (Whatever the fuck that is) is always with us, with me, and my flesh is pretty much a canvas of wounds from the years, literal scars with stories of their own. Sometimes I want to paint or draw a controversial piece of work and piss off a whole lot of those in seats of powers and other times I just want to finish what's in front of me while wondering about when it's all over.

I have a whole lot of work I haven't posted here or there on the web community...Graphic displays that read like a Tarot card...I like to think I'm brave or courageous as I was in my youth, sometimes I think I should do more, but the truth is the fight belongs to another generation now. This is a world where anyone can become an artist or writer or whatever because the computer sells programs that lets you do just that and my generation began with the vacuum tube, heavy television sets that had only three or four channels, A.M Radio, real canvas, tubes of paint and brushes everywhere and never enough references for what we wanted to create at our disposal. So many have been forced to live that microscopic small town life, never leaving the city limits for very long at a time, and end up growing old with tales about the weather back in 19 aught 72. Many want to reclaim some of that old glory from their youth, the same people who still wear their Letterman's Sweater to reunions, others are content to hide.

  Now I have the time to do what I want but have almost forgotten just what that is. Last year took a lot out of all of us as we faced our bigotries and failures along with a few smiles here and there. I've had to come to terms with a lot of my own shortcomings of old(er) age and more than a few cartons of cigarettes, booze and drugs. I use to run ten miles a day and now making it out to the mail box is sometimes an effort. 

But I'm in my youth when I'm at the drafting table. That's where I want my body found when I die (There's also the part I don't want to happen and that's having the cat locked up with me and being hungry...Enough of that). I think, one day, people will be open enough to see some of my other work. I'm still considering posting it here on this site...Those who know me wouldn't be shocked. Those who I haven't met in person might be a little skittish. And the GOP would either want me locked away forever or they'll purchase some of the work under assumed names...It has happened.

Well, tRump is still in office, the GOP are still assholes, the entire idea of America is decaying into a shadow of itself and I have no idea what anyone can do to change things. I'm guessing there's going to be more blood spilled and more lives taken before anyone does anything of worth. When the change does happen I'm pretty sure I won't know about it for a while because every large change in America...Marriage Equality, Civil Rights, and so on...Have always been announced while I'm working on a piece of art. Usually some one would call me up and tell me the news...

...And most of those people are gone. 

I know the final answer to life on this planet...There won't be any. Either we grow up and go out into the universe the human race will die here. Nothing is forever, the planet is already suffering and eventually the sun will die but I'm fairly certain we'll all be gone by then. Hopefully we'll survive in another system, on another earth, and I hope we'll treat that world better than we have this one.

And I hope they take the centuries of artistic creations with them.
I love this crazy planet. I love that there is fog and rain in Arizona and that there are still some animals running around out there in the wilderness that some asshole hasn't exterminated. I love the possibility of humanity and I hope we'll come to our senses sooner than later.



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