Ah, Bitter Judgement
This last month I've had a lot of talk time with my sister and that's brought back a whole lot of memories, some good, some great, some I'd rather never think about again...But that's the whole thing about life. You have to take the whole package that comes with it, family, friends, enemies, and, sometimes, strangers who may become more or might just vanish as fast as they showed up. My life has been an adventure, a series of errors and mistakes bundled with the great fortune of meeting and knowing some of the best people in the world.
And then there came the whole what happens after we die thoughts. Bottom line: NOBODY KNOWS! NO ONE!
We all have ideas and call them 'Faith'. We hope there's another chance at making our Karma finally work out. Maybe you believe in Heaven and Hell (I don't). But I started thinking about the whole 'Judgement' thing and, having the unpleasant experience of being before many a judge and a military tribunal, I understand the feeling of my good and my bad being weighed.
If asked how I think I did as a human being I'd have to say that I was a horrible human. I made a lot of mistakes, tried to fix as many as possible. Looking back I can say I never really lived up to the potential laid out before me but did embrace a lot of instances that caused me momentary happiness and I've seen others smile at something I've said or did. I've known love, I've lost love, and I've seen way too many of my friends die, people much worthier of life than myself...Good men and women who definitely did more to help this world than I have.
Yep. Guilty. Probably going to come back as a lab rat, not the kind that gets all the good drugs but the once they feed to the python they keep around as a pet.
As the days turn into years I've tried to embrace the idea of a world worth saving. I do what I can on the small level, I recycle, I give to charities and things like that. I continually wish I were half my age and able to go out and start demonstrating, rioting, whatever it takes to change the direction America has been going, but doing that now requires breathing and I don't have the lungs for that anymore.
I've been able to let all my petty hatreds and sackful of bitterness leave my shoulders and I've apologized to everyone I can remember hurting or letting down, but that kind of evens out in the end because I center all that hate and bitterness on the current administration so we can toss that to one side.
What I'm trying to say is that I've seen people get older and suddenly the idea of death becomes something real to them. I've literally watched so many of my friends die slowly and waste away until they were nothing more than a bag of bones and skin. I've smelled the stench of death way too many times and it's always been real to me...I don't understand why the good ones go and I'm still around...And many of those facing death become 'Religious', they embrace this or that 'Faith' because they're afraid of something we all knew would happen someday and that kind of bugs me. That's saying your life was a mistake and I just don't buy that line of thought.
I failed as a human a whole lot of times, but I'm glad for the whole adventure...Well, could have done without the 80s and the constant trail of drugs and drink, but it's a part of the whole story, isn't? The only judge I have to worry about is myself and I'm pretty harsh about my life.
Over and over and over.
I am glad for this moment in time, for the friends I have, for the memories all have given me and when I do leave this mortal frame behind, do me a favor and save a few lab rats from being fed to snakes and I'll be incredibly appreciative.
These pictures are because I've been thinking a lot about my friend Mike Gardner (On your right). He always had a habit of getting me to do things I would never normally do like spend a few days camping in the Superstition Mountains...Yeah, camping should only be done at a motel.
Miss you, bud.
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